Musings from the rabbit hole

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted anything – I fell down a rabbit hole and have only just found the way out.

Depression – well there’s a life lesson.  Turns out that going through a shitty redundancy situation where I got utterly shafted, coupled with an ailing parent and selling your flat to a fussy lawyer, on top of a long goodbye to London and my friends is a lot to handle and can lead to marriage troubles.

Managed to mend the marriage and the rest is now falling in to place but it sure aint been easy.  I felt so alone, like I was trapped and smothered, like I was wearing blinkers and all I could see was this swirling overwhelming vortex of all the shit that I couldn’t handle – it choked me, I couldn’t bring myself ask for help and quietly drowned behind a brave face, not admitting to the tears that filled most of my alone time.

It was a friend in need that helped me.  She was enlightened enough to reach out at a particularly traumatic time and say she really wasn’t ok. Lightbulb moment. So I spoke with her about my fragility and it helped – it didn’t take much, just someone saying they understand, and it’s ok.  Suddenly I wasn’t alone, there was space to breathe and I could do something other than dwell on the negative.

It’s weird, there are people all around that love and care for me but I still couldn’t see the wood for the trees.  Normally I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky person, I totally look for the silver linings in life, so the occasional dark patches (the last were post miscarriages and failed IVF) hit hard, I don’t know I’m out of my depth until I’m in over my head.

I write this, not as a cry for help (I’m all good now) but to highlight the value of reaching out, of finding someone to talk to.  Depression is alienating, it is temporary but all-consuming and it could easily destroy you if you let it.  Choose life.  Choose to love yourself enough to get the help you need.  We’re all different, what worked for me might not work for someone else but we are all worth the effort it takes to find a way through.

Hit a rough patch? try mind.org for advice on mental health.

Every day is a new beginning.

Take care,

Rachael x

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